Thursday, 20 October 2011

Daydream in Blue.

I've got lots to tell you, about recent things that have occured Here. I have a post part done- I'll try and get it on here soon! Its not that I think you're all sitting on the egde of your seats waiting for it, far from that, just that I'd like to spruce the place up a bit on my blog, cheer it up a little. It will be a post of positive things, nice doings and pleasant memories. I need those a bit at the moment,

I'm good at daydreaming. I suppose really, my daydreaming at the moment could also fall into the categories of sulking and worrying. Yes, I can do the wallowy woe-is-me bit, but its the 'action' or 'plan' part I'm a bit stinky at. But hey, if you can't write these musings out here then where else do they go? And hopefully once they're written and in some kind of coherant order, I might be able to sift through it and make sense of whats occuring- get it into perspective.

So life is still a bit poo really, and I'm not myself. I have painful headaches and regular nosebleeds- sinus problems I think, and problems sleeping. Its been like this for a couple of months. I'm off to the doctors again on Wednesday, I guess they might have some more ideas now that I've tried the current prescription and the symptoms remain.
What else? Well more trouble from the usual quarters, and I'm afraid its running me down. I'm finding that I'm fighting against becoming a sad little blob who mopes about in front of daytime TV, feeling blue and lack-lustre.

I haven't been seeing the fella as much as I'm used to, because work has gone all crazy again for him. Well... I have to admit that this concerns me, my inability to keep myself positive, without outside help, or, really, company. I've been all pro-'dating' and 'living apart' from the beginning. I don't think its because on every level I'm happy with the prospect of being a person who exists aside from her boyfriend, but its because I felt I needed to be able to deal with life myself, and for it to be the three of us- me, Pickle Missy and Little Guy, looking after each other. Thats why I wanted to do it. Its hard.

I was hoping that we were working towards the stage where one day we might decide to move in. If I can't look after my own happiness and wellbeing at this stage, I doubt that will be happening for a good while. Which is fine- I'm not being defensive- it is fine. I set myself the task if you like, of proving I could channel my inner Beyonce, and be self-sufficient, and I must do better at this before I can build a decent relationship with this man. It just happens that until we are together, living in the same place, I'll have to accept the weeks that we see so little of each other, because of the distance.
It would be all too easy to cheer up if he was here. In the absence of my besties, and my family, the children and he are all I have to make me smile. And the children do make me smile, but when they are at school and nursery, and when they are in bed, and when they are with their dad, I feel lonely as a lonely person in lonelytown... you get the idea.

How much easier it would be to re-boot myself, into some kind of emotionally-semi-functioning person, if I had a hug in the morning, or someone to eat with, to make it worth while cooking. I'd even be appreciative of someone's work uniform right now, to make sure that I, or he, was making a dent in the laundry pile. Stuff isn't getting done with any kind of efficiency... I guess it hasn't since the headaches, and less so since these Autumn Blues arrived.

Another root of my problem really, is boredom, and with my recent reunion with High School Friends, comes the realisation that I have very little to aim for in my life right now... dictated by upper limits that I can work in hours and salary... and it feels as though I have achieved very little for myself, in life... thus far.

No firm decisions to be made here, (they're not my forte!) just a few aims to consider:
-stand on my own two feet, overcome neccesity to rely on others for happiness (how on flibbing earth do I do this? No idea. Will let you know how it goes!)
- sleep and eat better, sort-out my own routine. I certainly wouldn't let my children behave like this, so I must set a better example
- have a re-think, and take advice about careers, house-moves and finances/cars. I really think its worth considering having new job to go to when my youngest is at school next September. It might have to be 'back to the drawing-board' on the careers thing. Now... what would I like to be when I grow up?



  1. I don't feel like I can say a lot here to help you, but I do hope you get your headache problems sorted very soon. I suffer migrains sometimes so I can imagine how awful it must be to suffer headaches and nose bleeds for so long.

    I also feel I've achieved very little in my life. I'm 28 and despite not leaving education until I was 26, I'm only working 16 hours a week and still have a way to go to get into my chosen career. I'm living with my parents with few savings and no prospects for buying my own house, getting married, having kids - or even holidays - while I see others my age all the time in the local paper or on facebook - people I went to school with - getting married, having children and doing all the things I feel I have been left behind in and not achieved. That makes me feel depressed and it does really get me down sometimes but I think we should focus on what we HAVE achieved rather than what we haven't. I have a good education, a wealth of relevant experience and skills to set me up if I ever get on to a teacher training course and I have Dave and while I have few savings and no place to call my own, I also have no debts so it's not all bad.

    You have two lovely children, your own place, a decent man and you must have developed strength and independence, even if you don't always feel it, in order to leave your marriage and venture out into the world as a single mummy. you're family and friends are not close, but they are there and that's more than some people have.

    It's really hard at times, but I've been trying to learn to focus more on the good bits that the bad and I think you should try it too!

    I'm sure you know all that anyway, I was just trying to offer some sort of response, even though I can't say much to help!

    I do hope you are feeling better soon.

  2. I hope you feel more posistive soon and that your headache problem gets sorted. I know how you feel, It is easy to get into the habit of be blue. And good luck with your career rethink, I hope you find something that you enjoy. I'm nearly 31 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!