Daydream in Blue.

I've got lots to tell you, about recent things that have occured Here. I have a post part done- I'll try and get it on here soon! Its not that I think you're all sitting on the egde of your seats waiting for it, far from that, just that I'd like to spruce the place up a bit on my blog, cheer it up a little. It will be a post of positive things, nice doings and pleasant memories. I need those a bit at the moment,

I'm good at daydreaming. I suppose really, my daydreaming at the moment could also fall into the categories of sulking and worrying. Yes, I can do the wallowy woe-is-me bit, but its the 'action' or 'plan' part I'm a bit stinky at. But hey, if you can't write these musings out here then where else do they go? And hopefully once they're written and in some kind of coherant order, I might be able to sift through it and make sense of whats occuring- get it into perspective.

So life is still a bit poo really, and I'm not myself. I have painful headaches and regular nosebleeds- sinus problems I think, and problems sleeping. Its been like this for a couple of months. I'm off to the doctors again on Wednesday, I guess they might have some more ideas now that I've tried the current prescription and the symptoms remain.
What else? Well more trouble from the usual quarters, and I'm afraid its running me down. I'm finding that I'm fighting against becoming a sad little blob who mopes about in front of daytime TV, feeling blue and lack-lustre.

source

I haven't been seeing the fella as much as I'm used to, because work has gone all crazy again for him. Well... I have to admit that this concerns me, my inability to keep myself positive, without outside help, or, really, company. I've been all pro-'dating' and 'living apart' from the beginning. I don't think its because on every level I'm happy with the prospect of being a person who exists aside from her boyfriend, but its because I felt I needed to be able to deal with life myself, and for it to be the three of us- me, Pickle Missy and Little Guy, looking after each other. Thats why I wanted to do it. Its hard.

I was hoping that we were working towards the stage where one day we might decide to move in. If I can't look after my own happiness and wellbeing at this stage, I doubt that will be happening for a good while. Which is fine- I'm not being defensive- it is fine. I set myself the task if you like, of proving I could channel my inner Beyonce, and be self-sufficient, and I must do better at this before I can build a decent relationship with this man. It just happens that until we are together, living in the same place, I'll have to accept the weeks that we see so little of each other, because of the distance.
It would be all too easy to cheer up if he was here. In the absence of my besties, and my family, the children and he are all I have to make me smile. And the children do make me smile, but when they are at school and nursery, and when they are in bed, and when they are with their dad, I feel lonely as a lonely person in lonelytown... you get the idea.

How much easier it would be to re-boot myself, into some kind of emotionally-semi-functioning person, if I had a hug in the morning, or someone to eat with, to make it worth while cooking. I'd even be appreciative of someone's work uniform right now, to make sure that I, or he, was making a dent in the laundry pile. Stuff isn't getting done with any kind of efficiency... I guess it hasn't since the headaches, and less so since these Autumn Blues arrived.

Another root of my problem really, is boredom, and with my recent reunion with High School Friends, comes the realisation that I have very little to aim for in my life right now... dictated by upper limits that I can work in hours and salary... and it feels as though I have achieved very little for myself, in life... thus far.


No firm decisions to be made here, (they're not my forte!) just a few aims to consider:
-stand on my own two feet, overcome neccesity to rely on others for happiness (how on flibbing earth do I do this? No idea. Will let you know how it goes!)
- sleep and eat better, sort-out my own routine. I certainly wouldn't let my children behave like this, so I must set a better example
- have a re-think, and take advice about careers, house-moves and finances/cars. I really think its worth considering having new job to go to when my youngest is at school next September. It might have to be 'back to the drawing-board' on the careers thing. Now... what would I like to be when I grow up?


xxx

Not using the 'L' word- a Random Think...

This week is the anniversary. The One Year of Me and my lovely Fella. And its all good. I doubt we'll celebrate, but I don't feel the need. It'll be an occasion just like the formula of us- it kinda comes and goes, and we're both happy without much fuss.
I've been surprised by some things in this relationship, and I have learnt other things. Its difficult to articulate, (ha! Lucky you lot!...) but its worth a random think, I think. This is surely (almost) what blogs were made for- a perfect place to write inexpertly about complex matters of the heart and soul! Please feel free to add any thinks of your own to the comments. Here goes:

I first tried to write out what we were, together, here- in the 'fella' section. It was the first time I'd stopped to think about it properly, (how do I introduce this guy who is sometimes on the scene, and sometimes not, but who is such a part of my life nowadays that I find him turning up in my blog posts with regular abandon?!) Well, I think it covers the situation well. We've had some fab times, a couple of less-fab ones, but I'm settled, I'm smiley... alot. There are some things about this relationship that are very different to previous ones, and I really think I'm ok about it. This came as a surprise! Its taken guts, and a 'steady hand', when sorting out my emotions, because my natural state as a girlfriend, is one of a girl that needs swooping up, and taking care of, and organising, and big emotional gestures (not to be confused with monetary ones).
This is where I have been going wrong. There are a distinct lack of those things in this Crazy Little Thing, and even though this was what I'd decided I wanted, I still had to take it as a challenge- to make myself try something new, something slightly out of my usual pattern, something less wrapped-up and co-dependant. This was needed after my previous experiences.

source

We give modest presents, (most of the time- tut tut for a couple of very sweet gifts he gave me last year) we don't call every day, we don't go out every weekend, and there are only four photos in existence of us together. Hey, we hardly ever even use the 'L' word. But is it neccessary just now? Is it too easy to over-use that one? Its only been a year. I'll come back to that. I've realised that what we do have is all thats required, as long as the Crazy Little Thing meets each other's needs, and feels cosy and warm. I do feel cosy and warm, without feeling penned-in. Let me tell you what things I do have with him:

• An understanding that we have lives of our own, but a flexi-cuddle arrangement, ie, as soon as one misses the other, we find ourselves making flimsy excuses to be together again.

• Also, that ability to be 'the only one' to the other, who understands things that happen occasionally, and can offer the right words or comfort.

• Separate living spaces. He is around 40 or 50 minutes drive from Here, and aside from the fact that he has to do the 'running' because I'm still without a car, this suits us fine for now. For now? I wouldn't mind carrying on in this way for a couple of years or more actually, although all-the-better if I had my own transport...

• There is little talk of 'the future'. You know? That Talk. It really isn't essential just now- we like to be around each other and that is enough for the moment. We're more than dating, but less than people that make joint decisions about what will happen. (Bad English? Yes. Sorry!)

•  Stuff in common: spare-time stuff, and outlooks, and an appreciation of each other's hobbies. Theres a careful balance between this and 'couple-time' I guess, not that I've needed it yet, nor he for that matter- something thats been a struggle in previous relationships.

Ha! Sneaky- you can't see my gorgeous man. I am a tease. He looks like this, but theres more of him. And he bears more than a passing resemblance to Mike from Neighbours... although obviously he's infinitely better looking!..

I've always needed another half to 'complete' me. No more. Taxi for Mr Freud please- you can no longer pin that one on me! I like my independance, and so does he, but it doesn't detract from the feelings. And because of how things are, I'm not going to declare that I've found the love of my life- not only is it doomed to fail if I do, nobody has asked me to profess it, so I won't. Who knows what the future holds? And yes I trust him, but its taken a while. And like I said- I don't use the 'L' word like its going out of fashion anymore. Can you believe it? I can't! But it wasn't helping my doomed relationships when I did. Still getting used to that one, because I sure use it on my children everyday, but its not as vital as I thought it was with a partner, I've decided. What do you think?...

He said something interesting to me near the beginning- he didn't want us to 'burn out'. He admitted to that 'butterflies' feeling after our first date, just like me, when we sheltered under a brolly in the pouring rain, and we both felt that there was a real chance that there might be something between us... but he didn't want to lose that in a flash. Butterflies aren't an unwelcome addition to the mix are they? He didn't want them disappearing too quickly. Its not really an old fashioned courting thing, but theres no hurry, and this is why I like an older man!- he's right.
You get to be in charge of things this way- not led by your heart. Theres still that element of emotional unpredictability (in a good way!), only without the 'jumping feet first' feeling, or the 'never knowing what will happen once you feel settled' feeling.

So it may read as though I had to join his camp and pick up on his way of doing things. I didn't. It was a conscious decision this time, to opt for a relationship like this one, and not in the format of my previous ones. I think with the children at the ages they are now, it was, and is vital, that we have our family time for me to do my thing with them in the Single Mummy Zone, without any relationship stuff around me sometimes. He sees them a fair amount, and I'm not saying this for the purposes of giving the right impression, but I genuinely mean it when I say: the children can't get enough of him. No plans for him to become a permanent live-in-role model in their lives just now though, even though they'd love that, so they'll have to get used to it! I'm determined not to involve him too much too soon.We come as a package, but they're not going to become his responsibility- they're all mine mine mine!

I'm not being smug- I haven't got The Solution to life's great questions of love, and its not perfect, in fact theres often lots of alone-times, (although I need them, if I am to work out who I am and what I need to do) but its damn hard being the single mummy trying to date a scrummy boyfriend, especially when his 'outside of us' life is family and going out, and having a laugh with best friends, and mine, (because I can't do those things very often, woe is me, blah blah blah...) is going to the park, catching up on phonecalls, or tidying the kitchen. But I love (ooh- I used the L-word!) being with somebody who makes me happy, and I have found somebody who does that.

And now I will stop writing about relationships like I have a Carrie collumn in a New York paper. Normal service will be resumed! Hope you are all having a lovely week.


xxx

Its inevitable

Returning home, and seeing my parents in their setting, 11 years after I moved out, always makes me feel a bit... you know... funny. Sometimes things have barely changed at all- the road that they live on remains unchanged, and it takes a while for things to alter around their house, which is the same one they brought me home into as a newborn from hospital. The cat will still throw up in the middle of Sunday Lunch, and mum will still threaten to box my dad's ears if he doesn't get 'those papers' that came in from work with him, outta her kitchen. (Multiple piles of papers to be fair).
Because those details are the same, you can be lulled into a false sense of security, thinking that other things that have always been there, or always happened in their particular sequence will remain the same. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that its been a decade since I started my new life away from the family home.

Then occasionally, we'll be driving about and I'll say

'ooh, this road never used to have a one-way-system', and dad'll say 

'its been like this for 7 years', or something. 

Or if the local garden centre has suddenly changed the entrance, and you have to 'come in' through what used to be 'the 'exit' (especially if you used to work there, and you thought you knew the place like the back of your hand...) its an unwelcome change. Or, I say

'Thats a new restaurant'

'No it isn't, we went there once before with such-and-such that time... oh actually, you didn't- you'd moved away by then'.

I get indignant.

Why has my Middle School been knocked down to make room for 1 bedroom flats that none of my friends could ever afford? (This is entirely true.)

That sorta thing.

Well theres also the times when you are chatting away on the phone, and a parental will say

'Oh, its the funeral on Thursday- you knew she was ill, no?'

And I usually didn't.

When I was growing up, many of my parent's closest friends were a contingent of single people in their 50s and 60s, from their church, who we used to sit with at functions, or get to know doing our things around the church (Sunday School, Serving, Choir) get together with, watch the installments of the televised Sunday night Narnia dramas (in the '80s) with a hot ribena with, make special Birthday presents for, take out or visit, and in later years invite over for Easter and Christmas. Whenever I returned, these friendly souls would greet me like a long-lost grandaughter, and there would be genuine concern in their voice when they enquired after my health, my new life, the children (who they also loved). There would be hugs and kisses aplenty, at the door of the church, on the rare Midnight Mass, Palm Sunday or August-visit that I rocked up for. We didn't keep in touch apart from that, and I suppose in many cases I never really knew them that well, but that was how it was. And it was fine.

Well I suppose, if that was then, and this is now, and time doesn't stop in your home town, when you move out into the big wide world, its inevitable that these people will become increasingly frail, poorly, dreadfully ill with parkinsons or heart conditions or breathing problems, or even pass on into the next room/ to meet their maker/ return to the earth/ be promoted to glory.... however your beliefs subscribe that you see it.

I see it as terribly sad, and a little shocking, that there are fewer and fewer of those wonderful people around, and each Wintertime, we lose more of them, sometimes quite unexpectedly. I can do the maths- and we can't take on old-age and win, but they were people who I thought would always 'be there'.

My dad went to one such sweet lady's funeral recently, and in this very old-fashioned medium-high (if you know what I mean) Anglican church, it must have made a refreshing change to see such raw emotion, and perhaps Joy, for such an occasion. He was telling me about it the other day- how dignified, wonderful it was. How in her beautifully lined resting place, in the most intricate and amazing dress, her family from abroad had payed very good money for the most superb send-off, and that their feeling was that she was, (complete with an open bible where she lay), 'ready to meet Jesus, in the most awesome resting place'.

Hallelujah! 

It prompted this post.

I hope that the Choirmaster, the Head Server, the Church Wardens and Sidesmen, the Sunday School Teachers, and the Summer Club leaders who we learned so much from, and loved so much, did not suffer, and were ready to go. I don't have the same strength of faith as all of these wonderful people, but I do hope to meet them again some day, in some way.


xxx

***********************************************

This little post has sat around the drafts folder for a good few weeks, waiting for a quieter time to post it, while I tinkered with it. As I sit here contemplating two more Sympathy Cards, for those left behind by people that were taken cruelly, or just too soon, it seems... right. As an extra thought, it surely is also inevitable that as you enter your thirties and beyond, the older people of the family who once helped to raise you, also go. I've spent time recently with somebody who lost their father over a decade ago, and who is still blatently coming to terms with it. I suppose some people never do, but then I suppose that means that those who go are not forgotten....

Build a Rocket Boys!.. And my first outfit post (of sorts).

So Monday 28th March finally arrived! Its been on its way for a long time. Tickets were bought back in September, after a panicky text message from my sister, who was holidaying in Portugal, but who clearly had pressing things on her mind that prevented her from relaxing in the sun:

'Tell me you're online and waiting for tickets! Please please please! And let me know when you've got them!!'

 (or something to that effect)- you see that its been a long wait for her especially.

I went to see these Guys in the O2 (the Millenium Dome to those of us with a questionable sense of direction, and a limited knowledge of concert venues). Pootle, the big sister, can't mention the dome to me without reminding me about a dinner I cooked once, for our poorly mum, (who was in bed, else I guess she would have been cooking) when it was first built. It was mashed potato in a rounded shape, with sausages hidden underneath, and carrots sticking up out of it, to form a crude but artistic reproduction. I have no photo I'm afraid. You probably had to be there...
Where were we? Yep- we went to a very cool concert by

Oooh, it was good, and it was a fabulous evening too- such a treat to spend proper time with my sister, eating, wandering around and taking in the sights, reminscing. You know...

Its not often I go to a concert, and getting the childminding wasn't as straightforward as it might have been, but most importantly, what does one wear?

One wore this, casual but smart enough, and layered- black detailed wide strap top, grey thin hoody, and you'll have to imagine the skinny jeans and knee high boots.

Well actually, no, I have pictures of the boots, and the bag, which, tidily, says 'Millenium' on the front of it.

I was pretty chuffed with the way it went together actually :) ... although the Short Soft White Coat Decision combined with the London Underground wasn't my most memorable. I am sporting 'I've-recently-been-swimming, (well, splashing, doggy-paddle kinda thing) and-come-home, put-it-in-a-bun-thinking-I'll-sort-it-later, (then run out of time)' hair. I undid the semi-dry bun and spritzed with hairspray to capture the waves, trying to make them look intentional.

But all was good, and I painted my nails and got on the right bus and the right train. Hey, I even got to London early, where I discovered that:

• I love Paperchase

• All of the little shops in the train station thought I was a shoplifter

• Monsoon bags are too expensive, but rather beautiful

• The mascot for the 2012 Olympic Games is as uninspiring as the logo. (To be fair, little Wenlock looks much better in the press pics than in real life, and the story behind him is sweet enough, but I'm unconvinced. I'm getting off the soap-box now)!

• The O2 is a fab place to eat.

• The seats are spaced very close together, and are extremely steep.

I mean extremely steep- like they invented a new row for us, or so it felt. We were three rows from the very top, and I experienced the worst vertigo of my life. My legs shook until I descended back towards ground-level at the end of the gig. And my breathing was a little erratic (asthma-girl as you can see in the top picture). I took my hands out of the greasy cup holders that I was holding on to for dear life, to remove my coat, and to clap when essential, but at no other time- because I really felt like I was going to tip forward and roll down towards the band if I didn't!
I didn't go much on the venue really- not just because of this, but also in terms of what you could see. The screens were too low for the people nearer the top of the building to make much use of, and I'd have been quite unhappy if I was on the opposite side to us, stuck behind a chandelier!

But enough of that, because the meal was luvverly, and the company was perfect...

and ofcourse, the music was devine.
I didn't know that much about Elbow- they are Pootle's favourite thing really, so I was just happy to go along. I knew that I liked what I had heard, and I had their debut album, which is all lovely stuff. They're not yet a household name- the amount of people who said 'whoooo?' when I told them I was off to their gig... which is all a great shame after their Mercury Music Prize winning success. But perhaps it adds to their appeal- they're not at all mass-produced- they walk their own path. And their music is truly beautiful, live. I wasn't prepared for it at all!

It started off in a very civilized manner, with a string quartet doing the warm-up, playing arrangements of Elbow hits, ahead of the official support band. They weren't half bad either, the lead singer had a fantastic voice, and it was an interesting mix of styles. Oddly enough, they then did a Rock Star ending to their set, when they walked off the stage leaving the last chord still playing, with a fair whack of feedback. Pootle has designs on being a rock star, and we decided that most newer bands and artists would be tempted to do the same if they were playing to a crowd of potentially 20,000 people. But would you?!

Yeah, so, on to the main event. Guy Garvey, lead singer, is someone I could happily go down the pub with, and I reckon there would be hours of natural conversation. He is a fantastic presenter, on BBC 6 Radio, and a naturally funny man. He addressed the crowd, and bantered all the way through. I've never seen a band do that to this extent. He introduced most of the songs, and chatted away to people. Top Bloke. Gorgeous voice. And it was fabulous song after fabulous song- nothing I can write about there- if you're interested you should definately go listen!

Favourite moments? Well, I loved Grounds for Divorce, and have been singing it since.

I guess I won't need to worry about what I wear if I go and see them again...

Best quote of the evening? 'This next song is pretty good, and it mentions tentacles, which pleases me. I love a tentacle.'



xxx

Roll up, roll up, for a trip down Memory Lane.

There was a tent on the green last week, and it arrived on Wednesday morning. Vans were parking up as we rushed to school, and a little voice said 'Ooh- whats happening mummy?!' and I said, 'Oh, probably a fair or something- we'll see'. But it wasn't. (The little voice also expressed some concern about said vans flattening the daisies, but I assured her that they would grow back). There were more vans arriving that afternoon, and by Thursday the Big Top was taking place.
We get a circus on the green every now and then, a travelling one, and I'm afraid that I have avoided them up until now. My reasons? I'm really not sure, but it isn't something that I instinctivey want to go to. I've tried to work these thoughts out though, because my reaction has surprised me, and I'm usually an open-minded creature. (Because this is a blog for my own ramblings, we'll start with those thought before I get to the review). Lets have a go:

1) Fast food vans- I had food poisoning (perhaps more realistically a sickness bug?!) after a school fair once, when I was young, and I'll never forget it. I still can't seem to trust them (and get uneasy around hotdogs), which means I don't like to eat at fairs and open air events. Truths.

2) I don't get the excitement. My mum is suspiscious of fairs, circuses, carousels and doesn't like them. So we didn't grow up with them, (no hardship really), and I didn't taste my first toffee apple or candy floss until I'd left home (nevermind). Who knows why she was uneasy? I'm still a little afraid of her, so I won't be asking. Perhaps I've inherited her concerns.

3) Everything is expensive, and theres alot to buy.

4) I don't like clowns much- I get a little freaked, and I feel like I'll cringe at the humour.

5) People can steal stuff from you! Something I also remember being warned- that pickpockets targeted places like these where there was likely lots of pocket money and crowds... call us cynics...

... so what's the attraction?...

I went to the circus once as a child, at my Grandad's organisation- he was absolutely thrilled that The Moscow State Circus would be nearby, and took us as his treat. It was quite rebellious, seeing as his daughter had no warm feelings towards circuses (see above)! What do I remember of it? You may ask. Not alot. Close to nothing. I have a terrible memory, but this particular piece of forgetfulness troubles me: I wasn't teeny tiny, so should be able to recall it, but I really couldn't tell you what acts I saw, and I know how important it was to him, and how he must have loved the thought of it, planned the day and looked forward to its arrival... and how I feel like I have clearly failed to appreciate his efforts, by forgetting all that I saw! 

I remember him holding my little hand in his big gentle one at the ticket kiosk, and climbing up to near the top of the Big Top, and wearing a purse with a string, which he and Gran had brought me back from their holidays, containing a pen with my name on. I can still see it- it was sort of rectangular, with rounded corners, and two little black poppers on a fold down lid, which I liked to think were its eyes. (Don't you just love Grandparent-Gifts, this is so Grandparenty, and it makes me smile. Whats more Grandparenty, is that my sister had the same gifts, except mine were in blue, and hers were in red). 

I was twirling the purse around and around, then leaning forward and spinning it the other way so it would rush back, anti-clockwise, (which was all Much Fun) when suddenly, out of the gap in the top of the purse (which was either upside down or spinning), my little pen fell downwards, between the benchy seats, and the scaffoldy stuff that they were attached to, and landed somewhere unknown, where I couldn't see. I was mortified- because I loved the little pen, and because I loved my Grandparents and knew they would be sad, potentially angry, and because it was lost, never to be found.

After the initial 'You're always fiddling and getting into trouble' comments, which are naturally bestowed upon the youngest, (and yes, I am proud of this trait), my dad did a Dad Thing, and missed part of the show, to rush downwards to the bottom of the tent, to carefully slide through a flap when nobody was looking, and search for my pen on the grass below. Which he found. Hurrah! Here ends the memory of my trip to the circus. What did I see? Dunno. But I got all the vitals there, I think you'll agree.

*********************************

So, as there was no escape from the fact that the circus was in town, and as the children had been talking about it in Pickle Missy's class, (so had the parents- nothing like peer pressure!) I put my prejudices aside and took the plunge. We sat with a little friend of Pickle Missy's, and her Mummy. I was concerned about the expense, and was doing my best to fit in with the other parents, nodding in agreement over how reasonable the price was. It kinda was reasonable, but its not the sort of money I have to hand usually. While we were queueing for tickets, somebody gave me a spare voucher of theirs which got me a discount. Happy Bunny.

I was worried about Little Guy's concentration behaviour, and in truth it was a fair concern because he was quite unsettled after the interval, but for the most part, aside from wanting to buy everything that the clowns walked past with before the show, and needing food and drink that I had vetoed (we bought treats from the corner shop to take with us- sssh- don't tell!), he wasn't too bad to manage.

Pickle Missy on the other hand, displayed a little bit of the 'wanties', as her friend had been bought an assortment of goodies from around the tent, but she was quite easily distracted, and became transfixed, and I truly think it made her week. I had the opportunity to sit back and attempt to reminisce, but as that wasn't really working, I just watched my little girl be totally absorbed in it. She loved the twirly whirly hoop girl, and the girl who balanced lots of things in her mouth and climbed ('to the very top of the tent mummy- I think she can really do it!!'), and the guy who climbed an unsupported ladder, and the trampoliney people, and the cops and robbers, and her favourite thing of all was 'the clown that was very naughty all the way through, but was good in the end'. Worth the visit to see their little faces, I can assure you. I can only hope that my family saw that wonder in my eyes when they were sweet enough to treat me too.

All three children were inspired to climb on things, and balance and get into mischief after the show, but thankfully none of them expressed an interest in throwing knifes at each other.

xxx

I have much to tell you!

And this is what I say to my sister, when we have our phone chats- to prepare her to clear her evening! So I hope you have a free 5 minutes... The layout of my blog only allows for a narrow amount of writing space, and I'm having no luck updating the look- I'm sure this is why the posts look so long! ;)

I need to tell you , at some point, about our visit to the circus, and my evening at the O2, and I need to dash around a bit and try to complete my photos for the Photo Scavenger Hunt, while we have a couple of days left in the month. I will try and get those things done soon.

But today, I need to tell you that I have been nominated for the Kreativ Blogger Award... not once, (thank you Vicky) but twice (thank you Pink Cat)!

Ooh. how exciting! I truly bounced when I found out. And I shall be wearing it proudly on my blog. I say 'nominated', but it translates as something that I can announce, and pass on to ten other bloggers. I'm not sure how I managed to get one of these, as my blog is only a baby one, (I'm not even weaned, although I'm getting hungry for more substantial stuff) and I still have lots to improve. I also don't have that many followers, but I'm going for quality rather than quantity... and amongst a couple of girlies who I've known for a long time, (who surely read this sympathetically), are some other bloggy people that I have never met, but who also seem to kindly put up with my rambings. Thank you to everyone!



These are the rules:

1) Link 10 blogs

2) Tell these bloggers about the award

3) Write 10 facts about yourself

Hmmm, ten blogs. I have so many blogs that I follow with interest, that this is quite hard. I've tried to nominate smaller blogs, and ones that haven't had this before. I reccommend you have a little read of these if you haven't already- I genuinely enjoy them. Of course, the rather lovely Pink Cat would be included, but she's ahead of me and has written her post! So I'm going to go for

Rachel at Baking Brownies For Mozart

Sio at Cake Creations

Toni, aka Irish Lass at Gardens, Chickens and Folk Music

Diane at Heart Shaped

Top Chelsea Girl at How Soon Is Now?

Maddie at (Diary of a) 30 Something Skellum 

Pooky at Pooks Place

 Louise at Ramblings of a Roachling

Taz at Ratbag

Simply Vintage at Vintage Hearth

Right then, 10 facts about myself. Apologies if I am repeating things here- it probably can't be helped when some of the readers know me very well! I've tried to be consise, but it doesn't come naturally ;) Here we go:

1) I do not have any cousins. Not a single one. Sad face. Most unfair- considering that my mum has a couple and my dad has puh-lenty. I have spent my life collecting other people's cousins as a result- the ones that they don't want.

2) When I had my ears pierced, the lady said I would only be able to wear 9 carat gold because they were sensitive. This led to me being a Gold Jewellary Wearer by accident. I actually prefer silver, and now that I no longer have blonde hair and don't need to wear rings on the fourth finger of my right hand, I have decided that silver suits me, and I have rebelled.

3) I'm not one of the majority that says 'I loved Uni- best time of my life!' It was more than a bit poo, I was lonely, and I haven't really used the qualification. It wasn't a totally pointless experience, but one that I quickly realised wasn't for me. It was a long three years! I'll be supportive of whatever my children decide to do, jobwise, but won't push them towards University on the notion of better jobs, and higher standards of training.

4) I was appauled by The Office sketch at this year's Comic Relief Event. I was getting more and more uncomfortable, waiting for a punchline, or a twist that would make what they were saying all ok. It didn't come.

5) I love my afternoon naps- they are essential. Actually naps at any time of day, for any length, are a grand idea. I much prefer this kind of sleep to the night-time version. And theres nothing better than sleeping in a sunny puddle.

6) I haven't travelled abroad much, and I really want to. I took a holiday to Greece with a friend and her family when I was 16- my only two aeroplane-trips, and have been on two 'working tours' by coach (but we didn't have time to stop to see much). I'd love to go to Italy, and America, and Canada. In fact, everywhere.

7) One day, I hope to be the sort of smug person with the perfect home, who remembers the bins and recycling without a midnight dash in PJs, or an 'Oh No!' feeling on the way back from the school run. My front garden will truly be awesome, and the front of my house will be newly painted, and the bins will be clean and neat and tidy, with pretty flowery transfers on them.

8) I hate my photo being taken, and I always look awkward because I have to smile without showing my teeth. I don't have enough photos of me with my loved ones. One is probably the result of the other.

9) When I am a Grown-Up, I shall have boots of many colours, and I will look fabulous. I do love my boots, and my flip-flops. In fact I wear knee-high boots for half the year, and flip-flops for the other half.

10) I love cats. I badly want a cat, and have had them in both homes previous to this one. When the time is right, I will aquire one. I have a long list of impressive names to choose from. Just need the cat.

xxx

Miss Busy Bee

I was a little bit like a song with lots of words today- they all fitted in, and it sounded okay in the end, but how it got together with the music, we may never know.
My MissBusyBeeDay went as follows:

Got up, did the 'morning' things, Pickle Missy to school, Little Guy and I tidy and clean, and put washing out into a brilliantly sunny courtyard, (with real dolly pegs and everything) then I prepare for work and hoover, and he uses his hoover (sounds like child labour, but he really wanted one for Christmas, and I'm all for the menfolk joining in!) Then we had a play-date/ 'see the ducks and have a run-about-with-a-frisbee'-sesh with a friend of mine (she used to be my Homestart volunteer but we've stayed in touch- she's like an extra mum!) and a little 3 year old boy that she was looking after. She brought me the most gorgeous woolen short grey cardi that she'd come across.

Little Guy to nursery (with a freshly bought hot sausage roll in the lunchbag because I was so short of minutes- good times), me back home to finish assortment of laundry, make a start on a charity-shop bag of things-to-go. Then collect Little Guy, come home to find that Mister Dishwasher Repairman was sitting outside complaining about double yellows. (Not my problem- but I'll gladly listen and sympathise if you please fix the thing that does the washing up)...

Drop Little Guy to the childminder, go to work for a bit (where I represented myself for the duration as 'the girl who turned up to school in her slippers'- I was not at all coherant and kept forgetting what I was doing and where I had put things. Moreso than usual. And people pay me money to do this?!)

Back across to the childminder to collect a Very Tired Small Person, but not before having to stop to hear Mister Dishwasher Repairman complain about things and tell me that the tiles might have to be removed if the fault couldn't be fixed this time, and no he wasn't gonna do it himself, he'd got into trouble for 'being helpful like that' more times than he cared to remember (one wonders what other 'helpful' things are in his back-catalogue). Also included, earlier in the afternoon, were such classics as (jovially, but unexpectedly) 'be a man' to Little Guy who was complaining loudly that his dinosaur shoes were on the wrong feet, and 'I don't know what it is with you women and collecting plastic carrier bags', admittedly after he had to tredge through approximately three hundred in the cupboard under the sink, in search of an 'off' switch to the machine. Charmer.

Quick about-turn to go collect Pickle Missy, who was then at her friend's having previously been to her Street-Dancing Lesson after school (you read that right- she's despo for ballet but theres nothing affordable in the area so this will have to do! She loves it). I wasn't sure if I 'd be finished in time to collect from the class. I wasn't. I got a little lost on the way to the friend's house, and had to phone the mum to double check, then also needed to ask some passing teenagers for directions. (Well, I was passing, they were just leaning against things, all skinny-jeaned, youthful and beautiful). Fabulous.

A long walk over a very short distance, towards Homefordshire, with an Even More Tired Little Guy in tow, who ended up having a snack-tea and going to bed almost immediately.

Phew. Glad thats all over, but it was such fun I think I'll do it all again tomorrow....
Buzz.


xxx

Age is just a number, but

I have six months a little over half a year until I leave my Twenties (the latter sounds like longer- so I'll go with that). I'm not sure I like this. I'm pretty sure I don't like this. Oh- its weird. I've always looked quite young, I still get IDd (and did before the 'challenge if you suspect they may be under 25' thingy), yet the thought of actually getting older in number worries me. I was the only one of my friends who was actually old enough to see the '12' when we went to see Mrs. Doubtfire- and the only one that they suspected was underage. I've got used to comments about my young-ness, and people passing judgement about me being a 'young single mum' etc. I got IDd with a 37 year old last year, who was buying wine in Marks and Spencers, because I happened to be with him. So yeah, I look young. 

  Sporting the Obligatory-Allotment-Pigtails. 

17? Try 26...

I feel young-ish too. I have clear memories of what it feels like to be 3, 6, 10, 15, 18, 21- because of significant things that happened at these times (be they 'A' level celebrations or the receipt of a Superted pencil case for my Birthday- all vital milestones!) But beyond 15, I didn't feel like I aged... and that was half a lifetime ago. I was a girl getting married and having babies and making houses, in her twenties who definately felt as though she was no older than 15. I didn't feel I'd learnt, or changed or grown. I was not immature, but young at heart- I was wearing mittens and bouncing, pulling silly faces and loving the swings. Well I still do these things if I'm honest.

 Being little.

Just recently, because I suppose I'm looking back on the twenties and all of the things that have happened, and all of the things that I wish I'd done, I've realised that inside, I am 29- I have definately had my fair share of 29 years of life- so much has happened. And physically- I cannot expect to drink so much cider without the side effects any more! And I need to accept that I will have to exercise to keep trim, after years of sporting the 'in need of a hot-dinner' look without trying. I still suffer witha couple of health issues after the birth of my children, and I ache badly, have cold hands and feet a lot, and get coughs, colds and headaches, because I can't expect to cope so well without sleep as I once did. Oh I realise I'm not an old lady by any means- but I make no apologies for stating that physically, I am no longer a spring chicken. I think this comes from years of not taking care of myself and my diet, and spending too much energy on people that aren't myself, and worrying far too much... about fair enough things, but it takes its toll.

 At one of my skinniest and saddest (and 

just out of the shower- please excuse the hair!)- with the 

whole world on my mind.

I am not particularly depressed, so please don't mis-judge the tone of this! But I do need to turn things around- I need to make actual effort to enter my thirties proud and happy. I'm really getting there, I think in a sense it would be a very good idea to leave my twenties behind! To be frank, the bad stuff that happened totally mars the good in my eyes. I really want to say 'I came out brighter- and look what else I achieved...' (I'll do that list of good-twenties-moments another time) but really, my twenties were pretty terrible- so in a way, I finish them cheerfully, and in a reasonable position to enter the next stage of my life, simply because I've lived through so much emotionally. If I was any older, my hair would have turned white in the process!
But hey, here I am, not naieve enough to think that I've had all of my bad luck and unhappiness now, ofcourse life will have its challenges and unpleasant surprises, but strong enough to want to say 'come on thirties- I'm ready!'

Snuggles with my Little Guy, feeling strong.

I want to do something between now and then- I'm not going to make an unachievable list- I don't have the money to travel, much as I ache to do it, and I don't have the strength or the time to train for something like a marathon, but I probably need a couple of goals- say one-a-month for six months? Things that will remind me of 'that nice time, in the run up to my thirties'. If you don't mind, I'm going to ask for more advice nearer the birthday, but for now, with the list of goals, between now and September, this is where you come in- any ideas?...

xxx

30 Day Song Challenge

Have you heard of it? If you're a music lover and a facebooker, it might be worth a look. I really enjoyed it! It got me thinking, and made me remember some forgotten tracks and times. My sister and I took part, and I took a couple of looks on the group page too, so that I could nosey at other people's choices and discover new music. Each day of March (or any other 30 day month I guess, if you want to start afresh in April...) we had to provide a different song under the guidelines given. I felt I ought to give you my reasons too, in the interests of completeness, ofcourse! Here are my choices:

day 01 - your favourite song  Reef- Place Your Hands Ask me in 5 minutes and I may decide that this comes second or third to something else, but its a pretty fab tune, and gives me smily-itus.
day 02 - your least favourite song Arthur Brown- Fire Urghh! Not a fan of any cheese-dream-weird songs that sound anything like psychodelic. Hate the opening to this track, and vaguely recall being freaked by the video when I was younger...
day 03 - a song that makes you happy Jack Johnson- Banana Pancakes Love it. Its summer, and I'm having a a lazy Snuggle-Sunday, and there are pancakes when I hear this song. Bliss.
day 04 - a song that makes you sad Queen- No one But You (Only the Good Die Young) I love it, but I find the lyrics chilling, and all I can think of is Freddie...
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone Beach Boys- Good Vibrations I will have to tell you all about my fantastic late Uncle another time. Bless him. He sang this in the car once, and attempted all of the top notes. Love him to pieces, still.
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere Greenday- Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) Results day, University (a place where I was actually quite unhappy) This is a really nice memory- a couple of guys with guitars on the hill, taking requests and playing songs like this, while we waited to hear if we had made it.
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event Stornaway- Zorbing Ahh, my first date with my lovely fella. We escaped from absolute sheets of rain into the corner of a gorgeous little restaurant, to have a hot chocolate, and this was playing- we were both struck by it, and had to know who and what it was. Its a special album.
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to Oasis- Wonderwall I havent' tried recently, but I think I really do!
day 09 - a song that you can dance to Kylie Minogue- Spinning Around It ought to be noted that I just can't dance- but this makes me want to try.
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep I Monster- Daydream In Blue Please ignore the odd lyrics, and step back in time to when it was first released. I had never heard anything like it, and have loved it since. Relax-ment.
day 11 - a song from your favourite band Kasabian- Underdog If I was ever to be a WAG, it would be to one of these gorgeous men- who can do no wrong, musically. Awesome band live too.
day 12 - a song from a band you hate U2- With or Without You 'You can't hate U2!' I hear you say. I reply 'Please do not attack me with sharp objects- I just don't get them!!!' I couldn't think of a band I actually hated, but I really don't like this one.
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure Girls Aloud- Love Machine I'm unashamed. I'm usually a guy-and-guitar, and grunge-lover, but occasionally I love a bit of pop, and I really wanna be in Girls Aloud!
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love All Saints- Under The Bridge I'm REALLY sorry. Genuinely. Sorry to all of my fellow Chili Fans especially- I have let you down! I apologise profusely, but I've just always liked this version as an alternative- some of the vocals are so pretty! I'll go hide myself away in a cupboard!

I'll get back to you with the others nearer the end of the month. If you're wondering why number 15 is missing, those of you that like things to be in equal halves, its because I'm finding that one really difficult to decide on! Catch you later.

xxx

Questions

I am asking myself questions today- its what I do when I have nervous energy, and free time! Some rhetorical, others things that I need to decide, and some, that finding the answer will make no difference to!

Why am I nervous about today's playdate?

Why did it take me so long to work out why the time on my posts wasn't right? It wasn't set to London GMT. If only I was actually living in the Carribbean!

How come when one gets better, the other gets ill. At-the-same-time is the way to go, Little People...

What do I replace the 'void' with, that was The Tudors, series 1, 2 and 3, which were on the Vision Box. I have LOVED them! I have no actual tv... and nothing I've been watching has come close, and the final series is not yet forthcoming on the iPlayer- so what now?!

Why are raspberries so flippin' expensive out-of-season? I can only walk past without buying for a certain amount of time, and they're not the easiest of things to grow in a paved courtyard!

How do I get to know a couple of these school-parents better? I'll deal with this issue in another post- I have lots of long sentences to write!

Why do I put off phonecalls... and paperwork?

Should I spend extra Christmas Boots vouchers (loads left over) on more Soap and Glory bath bubbles etc (Clean, Girls), as I'm running out, or use probably the whole lot on the Kate Moss perfume?

How do I decide whether the holidays I've been invited on are the right ones for the children, and which is best, and how do I make sure I can afford them?

Should I finally admit to myself that I need a payrise? Its been a few years...and should I start to approach those that it will effect?

How do I convince myself to sit down and sort out something that is overdue being sorted? In this particular case, I'll be better off financially once I do, although its confrontational- but thats not my fault, and its got to be done.

Why am I not particularly panicky about my son's recent referral, and why am I not more worried when he has his episodes? I seem to be totally in control of myself, and my instinct has proved to be right... but would you believe that I'm reproaching myself for not 'caring' more through panic?

Is it ok to buy a bunch of daffodils every week? If I was to do it all through the year, that would be about £52, but these are seasonal, and they make us smile. I may have answered my own question here!...

Whats with my recent 'spot' obsession?! If anything for the home needs to be bought, it has spots! I'll illustrate this for you some day. I really must have dots on the brain.

************************************************

I hope that whatever questions you have buzzing around your head aren't bothering you! Mine are pretty ok actually- I'm used to a busy mind, I just need to learn to put a lid on it at night. Some questions give me the focus I need though. Good questions!



xxx

So what have I learnt this week?...

Every days a school day! (Even though its half term...) Have you heard that phrase though? Along the lines of 'you learn something new every day'. We're all still learning.
An old friend of the family used to say to me, each time we met. 'So what do you know? Anything or Nothing?' It wasn't a rhetorical question either... which puzzled me! I think it was a 'how have you been- whats new?' greeting, but I never did feel comfortable with it!
Anyways, this week with the children off school, and without Pickle Missy's little daily snippets of Reception Class life, I have been learning new things of my own, new things which mostly pleased me- so I thought I'd put them down here.

Last.fm

Well, I'm a little late joining the party (nothing new there!) but I heard about this website and had to check it out. Its available for your iPhone as an app too, but I am an androidian, so disappointingly, I can't use it on my mobile... as far as I know. (Shame-o, because I understand you can buy and download tracks straightaway). You type in an artist you like the sound of, and it plays one or two of their tracks, in a playlist of other stuff- some of which you've never heard of. Its a fantabulous way to find more music, because the lists are classified by genre- so 'alike' artists and their work will crop up, and make you think 'why have I never heard this track before?!' I have discovered so much!

My Great-Grandfather

liked pansies- they were his favourite, so my dad told me, when he visited from London this week. It was a fact that came to him while we were working in my tiny garden, tidying and planting violas in a hanging basket. He said it, because this is a trait I share with his Grandad! (Big fan of pansies and daisies here). He also said that he had a huge handlebar moustache, and a walking stick, and a very long beard. I was keen to point out that this is where the similarites between Great-Granfer and I end. (Gosh, I could never tire of finding out things like this! I love it.)

Baking is

a quite a lovely little daily habit, when time allows. What did we make during the wet half-term weather? We made drop-scones, rainbow cakes and blueberry muffins (with varying success rates- but best to ask a taster who likes sponge cake more than I for a true run-down). I have plans for choccy-chip cookies and a lemon cake this week. We'll see how much I actually get done!

Good Things Come

to those who wait (and have faith and patience). Now that is a tricky lesson for me to learn- patience! Never did get the hang of it. A little problem has been solved: my childminder has been looking after my children since September, but previously she worked in the nursery that they attended, and grew to have a beautiful relationship with Pickle Missy and Little Guy. They were both fond of her mum too, who worked in the baby room of the same nursery. I couldn't believe my luck, when I came to look for childminding to cover my after-school working hours, and she, at the same time, decided to give in her job, and concentrate on work experience in a different field that she was looking for a career in- she offered to look after mine around her volunteering.
Well the time came for her to look for more regular hours in a part-time position to get some extra cash behind her. Cue big sad faces and concern! We love her! She was completely convinced that I'd find somebody that I could afford, and who would be nearby, and the right choice for the children... and she was right. I have a newby starting tomorrow, who is a daddy of two of the children's little friends- and he has convinced me that he knows what he's taking on! Hurrah!

I am too nervy

when it comes to taking decisive actions. Not a new lesson- but getting over it has been. I gave myself a firm talking to, and I've managed to take a few steps this week that will make my life a fair bit easier with any luck... I have promised myself that I'll try to be more confident over this issue next time. Hopefully I've turned a corner.

Swimming

makes my children happy. Not just happy- they actually looked at times, like they might just pop with sheer joy. Such wide smiles, and excited faces- it was beautiful! If one of them had burst, bunny rabbits and sunshine would have filled the pool. (I do hope bunny rabbits can swim!) I'm not a swimmer- I'm a little bit phobic, but its one of the things I really want to support my children with. My fella came with us, as the competant swimmer, but I actually got into the pool with them, and was sooo glad I did.

I love Spring...

and this is a new idea to me- and a surprising one. I remember liking it lots in previous years- being excited by the warmer weather, longer days, and buds and flowers that pop up every year, but I've made the transition to admitting love. Its a beautiful time of year- and I really am getting so much from it every day. It makes me want to throw my curtains and windows wide open, and breath it all in!

I am not a maker of children's fancy dress

That gene completely passed me by. My mum was fantastic at it (daffy duck, red riding hood and the wolf, cinderella, flower fairies, pirates... I could go on...) and my sister appears to be very confident in finding the right thing for my neice to wear on these occasions too! She made a beautiful Little Miss Muffet a while back.

 It is World Book Day on Thursday, and the children have to go to school dressed as their favourite character from a book. I'm having kittens- the words Aaah and Help spring to mind. I'll let you know how it goes!

This has turned into a very long post! I must have been busy, doing and thinking this week. Ok, just one more... and its a goody.

I have a good friend

in a very old aquaintance. Its been a bit of an odd relationship. We became friends because our parents were close, and she and her sister were the same age as me and my sister. You know the sort of thing. We used to spend evenings together, the 8 of us. Our dads sipping homemade brew and swapping tips, and our mums chatting away. Well, I don't think we'd have ever been friends if that were not the case- we were never in the same classes at school, we had different interests, and she's just for the first time, admitted in open conversation, that she picked on me a fair bit. Yes she did folks- made me a little bit miserable I can tell you. I'm pretty sure we didn't even like each other at times. Children will be children. But am I glad we moved past that and persevered?! I am. She's a little bit fab. She's come into her own in recent years with all thats gone on, and she keeps a good eye on my parents for me, in my absence, and is there for me, and she makes me forget what needs forgetting, and

laugh laugh laugh!

We've had some very good times, and were once in a situation that demands another post entirely! She is fantastic company and conversation, and she is one of the first people I just have to see when I go back. I can always trust her, and she bloody well knows what to say to me when I need a response. Always! We used to work together as teens but we sort of moved on and lost touch, and I assumed that that was that. We also don't have that much in common...still... (however, it occurs to me I could say the same about all of my closest) but it appears that true friendship can cross those boundaries. (I really wish that I had realised that she was always there sooner! And how lovely would it be to live in adjacent roads and have school friends that you still see regularly? I'm giving it a go in my 'new' place, but nothing can replace those links. Sigh... I digress.) She's still around- plans to meet again are being made, and I'm a very lucky girl.



Hope you've all have a lovely week!




xxx

In Which One Fairytale Ended... And the Princess is gonna be fine.

Once upon a time, there were a couple of awkward teenagers, introduced to each other at just the right time... They were two halves of a whole. They were each other's everything. They were mad about each other, and as often as they could, they would sit around like this

source

...and they continued to do that into their 20s. Life was very very hard, but they seemed to believe that they were very very happy, and to the surprise of others, they then did this:

source

The Wedding was planned, and longed for, (by them at least...) and a new life as a couple began. There was a posh new job, their lovely new house, with mortgage, and the move to the country, the cat and the dog. What more could they want? They were deeply in

source

In fact, there was nothing else. No one else. Few friends, for they had moved away from them, and one half of the couple would convince the other that the friends didn't like them. Few family, because there weren't many in the first place, but nevermind, because one would convince the other that they disapproved. One would make an effort to offend the other's loved ones, but no matter, because the 'other' was pretty convinced that what the partner had said was all true. The 'other' wasn't really worth anything to anyone, apart from the partner anyhow...

Fast forward a year or two, and they both had terrible jobs, which led to bad finances, and stress- oh so much stress. And very dark times. But hey, they had each other. They decided to have some little people to put in the house, as you do.

source

First one small girl, and then a tiny boy, and they scampered around making their Mummy see rainbows, and they grew stronger and more lovely with each day. Which was a blessing, because things were not right between the couple.

What had been a loving relationship became a resentful one. It was not fair. It was no fun. It was sad. It was pressured. There was a control, that had always been there, (but it came to the forefront for reasons of personal insecurity and mental problems).

source

The funny thing? At first, she didn't realise anything was wrong. This was marriage, was it not? And she stood up to those who needed to hear her faith in him- defending her hubby like a lioness, to the exasperation of all those who still cared about her. Very few people knew. People didn't visit, as they weren't made welcome, and those that were allowed to see in, mostly saw an image of loveliness. It was perfect, this relationship, that had started at 15.
Problem was, she was starting to feel like this:

source

And she so badly wanted out.. But she bided her time, and feeling like these, on the right,

source

she made the jump, because she deserved much better- a life without three dependants, when she only had two children. A life where she had choices, and maybe even friends of her own again. A life where she could concentrate on things that really mattered, where she could sit in any damn chair she wanted to, and wear what she liked, a life with her own money, a life where she could safely keep her beautiful things about her without them being broken. A life where she might even learn to love again, where somebody she might love might stay faithful.
And it was tough. I mean REALLY tough. But she worked hard, cried a bit, found her strength a bit, and kept going. And there are times with the single parent thing when she feels like this

source

but she just keeps plodding. Stubborn like that, she is. And she's met other people who have been in a position like her own, and she tries to take strength from that. Theres this little voice in her head that occasionally pipes up, and mutters something about her being 'in a much better place nowadays'. She has her own nest- she can breathe. There is less disruption and pain and despair, and things could have ended a lot worse. She thanks her stars for that...

But. still, after the event by some way, things are unfair and unjust. And some days, he still makes her feel like this

source

At times like those, she does need to remember that the little bit of life that she found, for her and her two little ones, is worth all the effort. She's working really hard folks, to try and take the events that still unfold everyday in her stride- theres panic and worry scheduled ahead, she just doesn't know when. It shouldn't matter really, because she needs to believe, that what she really has, despite the lack of straightforwardness, after the episode has come and gone, is a new start on the horizon.

source

*********************************************************

I won't be doing the heavy side of things too often, I promise. I'm a sparkly and bouncy creature by trade, and normal service will resume shortly! Theres been some developments recently that have meant that this is all fresh in my mind again. I just thought it would be good to put this out there, because, well, I want to be honest, and it feels very good to write it all out. Lets hope that somebody else who is feeling the same might have a quick read of it, and realise that theres still hope for them.






xxx